Americans Take BuzzFeed Quiz, Find Life Direction
by Johnny Thomas
Americans struggling in the flagging economy have been turning to BuzzFeed to find answers to some hard life questions.
“I always thought I was, you know, a Kathleen Hannah who liked sandwiches,” said Rory Gaston, who had most recently taken the ‘Which Alt-Grrrl Are You’ and ‘What Should You Actually Eat For Lunch’ quizzes. “But then BuzzFeed told me I was more of a Kim Gordon who should have pizza for lunch. Of course! Now I know what I need to do to move out of my parents’ house. My life makes so much more sense!”
Once she was given these bits of wisdom, Rory followed BuzzFeed’s advice and posted her quiz results on her Facebook page. “People deserve to know this about me,” she said.
Chris Jones found himself straddled with $10,000 in debt after receiving rabies shots for a dog bite. “But the ‘What Disney Prince Are You’ quiz said I am Aladdin, so, you know. It’s all gonna work out.”
“The quiz said Meryl Streep would play me in the movie version of my life,” said graduate student Cody Smith. “It said I am talented, driven, and independent, and that only one of the most talented actresses of all time will be able to play me no matter how old I get, which is great because I was worried that I might never have kids or be able to settle down.” Ms. Smith, who also sent her quiz results to Facebook, gave a heavy sigh as she confidently tossed her hair. “Welp,” she said. “Take that. I win at life.”
“I graduated with $30,000 in loans two years ago and can’t find a job anywhere,” said Stephan Dingle. “I didn’t know where I was headed in life. Then BuzzFeed told me my calling is to move to Seattle, become a hipster and a surgeon, and date Justin Bieber. I didn’t even know I was gay! Now it’s all Facebook official. Thanks, BuzzFeed!”
BuzzFeed, who gains access to the Facebook profiles and friend lists of readers like Rory, Cody, and Stephan who choose to share their quiz results on their Facebook page, reported that they are happy to provide the service to those searching for direction in life. Quinn Kleinkinder, a BuzzFeed representative, was enthusiastic with the attention his company’s quizzes are receiving.
“Do these quizzes give direction? Oh, sure!” he said with a chuckle and an eyebrow lift. “The truth is, we get to know our readership very well through the answers they give to us on these quizzes once we cross-reference these very specific interests, life experiences, and preferences with their Facebook profiles and friend information. After just a couple quizzes, we have quite a rich profile on the quiz taker to sell to marketers to target ads and other products at the consumer for years and years to come. Oops! I mean to better entertain to our readers!” He covered his mouth with his hand coyly at the slip before continuing. “So, yes. We at BuzzFeed hope to give direction. We’re only here to help people feel more informed and more distracted -- I mean amused, to feel more amused! Yes, we aim to inform and to please.”