Be a Man, Coach D
by Bill Wood
In an attempt to prevent Kiwk-Copier Repair’s rec-league basketball team from a first-round post-season tournament exit, coach Devin Lewis (Coach D as he likes to be called) determined to show his players how to be MEN on Tuesday night.
After an early-season win (by forfeit, since only 3 players showed up from the other team), Kwik-Copier Repair had lost 8 of their last 9 games before taking on Firehouse #3, rec-league’s first place squad, Tuesday. Things got off to a rough start for Kwik-Copier Repair, getting outscored 12-2 in the first quarter. But that’s when Coach D put his plan into action.
“Coach D kept yelling ‘MAN UP!’ and ‘set those picks like a man’” said Jerry Hoyer, 49, who is a mobile technician for the failing company. “During a time-out, he seemed confused, and smelled like vodka. He told me to set a high screen and lay my shoulder into #12’s jaw. When I hesitated and mentioned I thought I saw the guy’s wife and kids in the stands, Coach D punched the wall and split open his knuckles. He went on to draw up a play in his own blood.”
“He kept mentioning that he was Phil (Jackson) and I was his Kobe (Bryant)” said Tracy Wright, 26, who is Kwik-Copier Repair’s leading scorer with an average of 9 points per game. “I told him I didn’t think I could do it, after he told me to ‘get a knee in the big guy’s balls.’ He blurted out something like ‘Phil is the mentor, Kobe the student. Phil taught Kobe to be a man. Kobe does whatever is asked of him, without question.’ It didn’t make much sense to me. After he punched the wall, I just kinda played along with it”
With the clock winding down in the first half, a foul was called on Kwik-Copier Repair’s 6’2” center, Neil Nelson. “Coach D just started losing it” said Nelson. “He’s calling the refs names, talking shit on the other team...I mean, these guys are firefighters, you know? Not only are they kicking our asses at this point in the game, but they put their lives on the line as part of their job. Coach D works in sales, on the phone all day. The riskiest part of his job is getting heartburn from his Chili’s Baby Back Ribs and Bud Lights at lunch. But “be a man”, that’s what it’s about to him, whatever the hell that means.”
After a stern look from the official, Coach D decided to inspire his team by heaving a folding chair onto the court. “You won’t even T(echnical foul) me up? Let me help you be a man about it, son” shouted Devin as he threw the 5 pound chair several feet onto the floor. “That’s it - you’re gone. Out of the building” countered the official. As Lewis left the gym, he spread his arms out from his sides and said “It’s March Madness, men. Win this one for me!”
Coach D promptly got in his car and sped to Applebee’s, where he drank two Brewtus 25 oz beers and drank two shots of Jack Daniel’s Honey Whisky in an hour. After a brief diatribe at the bar about how “there just aren’t any real men left anywhere anymore,” Coach D left and drove roughly 5 miles before getting pulled over and charged with a DUI. He was last heard telling the arresting officer to “man up” as he was being handcuffed.
After an early-season win (by forfeit, since only 3 players showed up from the other team), Kwik-Copier Repair had lost 8 of their last 9 games before taking on Firehouse #3, rec-league’s first place squad, Tuesday. Things got off to a rough start for Kwik-Copier Repair, getting outscored 12-2 in the first quarter. But that’s when Coach D put his plan into action.
“Coach D kept yelling ‘MAN UP!’ and ‘set those picks like a man’” said Jerry Hoyer, 49, who is a mobile technician for the failing company. “During a time-out, he seemed confused, and smelled like vodka. He told me to set a high screen and lay my shoulder into #12’s jaw. When I hesitated and mentioned I thought I saw the guy’s wife and kids in the stands, Coach D punched the wall and split open his knuckles. He went on to draw up a play in his own blood.”
“He kept mentioning that he was Phil (Jackson) and I was his Kobe (Bryant)” said Tracy Wright, 26, who is Kwik-Copier Repair’s leading scorer with an average of 9 points per game. “I told him I didn’t think I could do it, after he told me to ‘get a knee in the big guy’s balls.’ He blurted out something like ‘Phil is the mentor, Kobe the student. Phil taught Kobe to be a man. Kobe does whatever is asked of him, without question.’ It didn’t make much sense to me. After he punched the wall, I just kinda played along with it”
With the clock winding down in the first half, a foul was called on Kwik-Copier Repair’s 6’2” center, Neil Nelson. “Coach D just started losing it” said Nelson. “He’s calling the refs names, talking shit on the other team...I mean, these guys are firefighters, you know? Not only are they kicking our asses at this point in the game, but they put their lives on the line as part of their job. Coach D works in sales, on the phone all day. The riskiest part of his job is getting heartburn from his Chili’s Baby Back Ribs and Bud Lights at lunch. But “be a man”, that’s what it’s about to him, whatever the hell that means.”
After a stern look from the official, Coach D decided to inspire his team by heaving a folding chair onto the court. “You won’t even T(echnical foul) me up? Let me help you be a man about it, son” shouted Devin as he threw the 5 pound chair several feet onto the floor. “That’s it - you’re gone. Out of the building” countered the official. As Lewis left the gym, he spread his arms out from his sides and said “It’s March Madness, men. Win this one for me!”
Coach D promptly got in his car and sped to Applebee’s, where he drank two Brewtus 25 oz beers and drank two shots of Jack Daniel’s Honey Whisky in an hour. After a brief diatribe at the bar about how “there just aren’t any real men left anywhere anymore,” Coach D left and drove roughly 5 miles before getting pulled over and charged with a DUI. He was last heard telling the arresting officer to “man up” as he was being handcuffed.