ask a librarian stereotype
by Vinnie Fitzpatrick
Dear Librarian Stereotype,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for about three weeks now. “Mark” is all I ever wanted in a man packed tightly into one muscle-bound container. Very tightly. The problem? He can only orgasm while I take a red felt tip marker and underline random passages in library books. Librarian Stereotype, I know that writing in library books with a permanent marker is wrong, perhaps even evil. But if I don’t make a permanent mark, I may lose a permanent mate.
Sincerely Horrified at Red-Pen-Instigated Ejaculation
Dear SHARPIE,
You’re sleeping with your boyfriend after only three weeks? Why, you little slut. Tsk, tsk.
Writing in library books...Jesus God. What else gets this “Mark” character excited—digging up corpses? Desecrating altars? Putting DVDs in the slot explicitly marked “Book Return”? It sounds like you have a real pervert on your hands. I would suggest you purchase a book that has no business being in the library anyway, like that Fifty Shades of Grey nonsense. Tell your man that it’s a library book, underline the naughty bits, and he can ejaculate to his heart’s content. If you need help finding offensive passages, I can help you. Librarians are always happy to help.
Dear Librarian Stereotype,
I was at the public library yesterday when I happened to bump into a tall dark stranger in the Romance aisle, causing me to drop my stack of books. Like a gentleman, he picked them up, handed them to me, and asked if I’d seen the lost key to his heart. Librarian Stereotype, I think I can solve this mystery, but I need some more information first. What if he has a criminal record? What if he smokes? What if he secretly reads YA fiction? Help me with my sleuthing, Librarian Stereotype: what does my Mystery Man have checked out on his card?
Sincerely, the Love Detective
Dear Love Detective,
I don’t know where to begin. You DROPPED a stack of library books on the floor? Library binding is sturdy, but it wasn’t intended to withstand casual abuse from a pulp-reading floozy. Yes, you, sweetheart. Get out of the Romance section and read a classic work of American literature like Lady Chatterley’s Lover.
I can understand your desire to pore over library records, seeing what everyone else has checked out. I do it myself every Saturday night. But library records are for librarian eyes only. Your mystery man may be a good library citizen, or he could be a Problem Patron that squirrels overdue books under his bed and owes money to libraries all over town. Either way, only I will know. (And it would help me to know if you gave me his name, genius).
Dear Librarian Stereotype,
Butthead: Uhhhh…can we, like, get on the Internet? We want to look at some boobs. I mean, to look at some information. About boobs.
Beavis: Heh Heh. Heh heh heh. You said “information.”
Butthead: Shut up, Butthole!
Sincerely,
Beavis and Butthead
Dear Beavis and Butthead,
There is plenty of information online about “boobs,” as you call them. However, much of it is inaccurate. You need to make sure your site is current, the source is unbiased, and the author is reliable. In the time you’ve done all that, you could have just checked out a book about boobs. Please stop laughing. There is nothing funny about checking out books.
But I suppose you don’t read books. None of you “cool kids” these days do. Fine, go play online. Just Google “boobs” and you’ll get your information. But make sure you only investigate legitimate boob research sites.
Can you have a privacy screen? I don’t know. CAN you?
No, you may not. Your shame is your privacy screen. I’ll be watching you, so don’t pull any boners.
What’s so funny?
Dear Librarian Stereotype,
My teenager hates to read. All he does is loiter around the comic book store. Today, I found stacks of the garbage he purchased under his bed, including a cartoon version of The Odyssey. He’s 14 years old, way too old for picture books! I’m ready to throw in the towel, Librarian Stereotype. Can you help me force my son to enjoy books?
Sincerely,
Accelerated Mom
Dear Accelerated,
I completely understand where you are coming from. The Young Adult (what was wrong with the word “Children’s”?) librarian at our library has started something called a Graphic Novel collection with picture books for older children, some of them dirty. Of course, they fly off the shelves while classics like Old Yeller lie untouched. My advice for you is to tie your son to a chair until he reads an entire stack of Newbery-award winning books. And if that doesn’t work, there’s always a good hard spanking.
Mmmm, spankings. Hard…I mean, Card Catalogues. The Dewey Decimal System. Is it hot in here? Maybe I should shake my long hair out of this tight bun, pull off my glasses, and do a sexy dance right here on the reference desk.
You’d like that, wouldn’t you?
Perverts.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for about three weeks now. “Mark” is all I ever wanted in a man packed tightly into one muscle-bound container. Very tightly. The problem? He can only orgasm while I take a red felt tip marker and underline random passages in library books. Librarian Stereotype, I know that writing in library books with a permanent marker is wrong, perhaps even evil. But if I don’t make a permanent mark, I may lose a permanent mate.
Sincerely Horrified at Red-Pen-Instigated Ejaculation
Dear SHARPIE,
You’re sleeping with your boyfriend after only three weeks? Why, you little slut. Tsk, tsk.
Writing in library books...Jesus God. What else gets this “Mark” character excited—digging up corpses? Desecrating altars? Putting DVDs in the slot explicitly marked “Book Return”? It sounds like you have a real pervert on your hands. I would suggest you purchase a book that has no business being in the library anyway, like that Fifty Shades of Grey nonsense. Tell your man that it’s a library book, underline the naughty bits, and he can ejaculate to his heart’s content. If you need help finding offensive passages, I can help you. Librarians are always happy to help.
Dear Librarian Stereotype,
I was at the public library yesterday when I happened to bump into a tall dark stranger in the Romance aisle, causing me to drop my stack of books. Like a gentleman, he picked them up, handed them to me, and asked if I’d seen the lost key to his heart. Librarian Stereotype, I think I can solve this mystery, but I need some more information first. What if he has a criminal record? What if he smokes? What if he secretly reads YA fiction? Help me with my sleuthing, Librarian Stereotype: what does my Mystery Man have checked out on his card?
Sincerely, the Love Detective
Dear Love Detective,
I don’t know where to begin. You DROPPED a stack of library books on the floor? Library binding is sturdy, but it wasn’t intended to withstand casual abuse from a pulp-reading floozy. Yes, you, sweetheart. Get out of the Romance section and read a classic work of American literature like Lady Chatterley’s Lover.
I can understand your desire to pore over library records, seeing what everyone else has checked out. I do it myself every Saturday night. But library records are for librarian eyes only. Your mystery man may be a good library citizen, or he could be a Problem Patron that squirrels overdue books under his bed and owes money to libraries all over town. Either way, only I will know. (And it would help me to know if you gave me his name, genius).
Dear Librarian Stereotype,
Butthead: Uhhhh…can we, like, get on the Internet? We want to look at some boobs. I mean, to look at some information. About boobs.
Beavis: Heh Heh. Heh heh heh. You said “information.”
Butthead: Shut up, Butthole!
Sincerely,
Beavis and Butthead
Dear Beavis and Butthead,
There is plenty of information online about “boobs,” as you call them. However, much of it is inaccurate. You need to make sure your site is current, the source is unbiased, and the author is reliable. In the time you’ve done all that, you could have just checked out a book about boobs. Please stop laughing. There is nothing funny about checking out books.
But I suppose you don’t read books. None of you “cool kids” these days do. Fine, go play online. Just Google “boobs” and you’ll get your information. But make sure you only investigate legitimate boob research sites.
Can you have a privacy screen? I don’t know. CAN you?
No, you may not. Your shame is your privacy screen. I’ll be watching you, so don’t pull any boners.
What’s so funny?
Dear Librarian Stereotype,
My teenager hates to read. All he does is loiter around the comic book store. Today, I found stacks of the garbage he purchased under his bed, including a cartoon version of The Odyssey. He’s 14 years old, way too old for picture books! I’m ready to throw in the towel, Librarian Stereotype. Can you help me force my son to enjoy books?
Sincerely,
Accelerated Mom
Dear Accelerated,
I completely understand where you are coming from. The Young Adult (what was wrong with the word “Children’s”?) librarian at our library has started something called a Graphic Novel collection with picture books for older children, some of them dirty. Of course, they fly off the shelves while classics like Old Yeller lie untouched. My advice for you is to tie your son to a chair until he reads an entire stack of Newbery-award winning books. And if that doesn’t work, there’s always a good hard spanking.
Mmmm, spankings. Hard…I mean, Card Catalogues. The Dewey Decimal System. Is it hot in here? Maybe I should shake my long hair out of this tight bun, pull off my glasses, and do a sexy dance right here on the reference desk.
You’d like that, wouldn’t you?
Perverts.