Invading Aliens Protest Denial
of Religious Rights
by Johnny Thomas
Horrible space creatures from Mars took a break from their devastating earth invasion today to decry US Americans’ lack of tolerance for their religious rights.
At a press conference in Washington DC this morning, Martian Ambassador Zog the Destroyer addressed the media and heads of state with the Martians’ concerns. “According to the preachings of god Almighty ZorgZorg the Conqueror, issued in the Most High Book of Qee, we have the right to lay claim to our role as supreme masters of the universe, and to enslave all of the puny humans of wretched planet earth. This is our religious right that is being unfairly denied to us in the workplace.”
Citing federal legislation in the U.S., Ambassador Zog argued that full compliance to “restrictive nanny state government regulations” force the Martians to violate their religious beliefs in running their business. Zog further stated that following the regulations would cause the Martians severe economic loss that would put them at a competitive disadvantage with other alien marauders.
In a statement prepared for the event and read to the floor by a Republican aid, Speaker of the House John Boehner voiced his commitment to support the Martians in their efforts to seek justice. “This attack by the federal government on religious freedom in our country cannot stand, and will not stand.”
“Yes,” said Ambassador Zog. “This is an issue of cruel, unjust religious intolerance.” The Martians called for an immediate end to both human resistance and to legislation that stand in the way of them exercising their full religious rights.
The ambassador continued. “Also, via our satellite surveillance, we have observed from our planet for many years that those who claim to be ‘the makers’ here do not have to follow your silly US American earthling laws. We have observed that, if you say you are a maker, you get to poison the soils and waterways. You get to earn monies from products that give citizens cancer. You get to start wars for your own profit using others’ bodies. You get to deny medical services to poor people and compensate others with pittances to do your bidding. Well, sniveling earthlings, we are the makers. We deserve to kill and enslave American citizens, too. Oh, and we are also religious, so let us act outside of any laughable law bounding godless mortals.”
A sparkling beam of golden light descended from the ceiling marking the end of the press conference. “It is not fair to oppress your overlords,” Ambassador Zog concluded with a strained look of sad vulnerability before shaking the aid’s hand, walking into the light to be transported back to the spaceship, and vaporizing all in the room.
The Republican-backed Religious Rights at Work bill is expected to pass through Congress with bipartisan support this week. Family-run Conestoga Wood Specialties and Hobby Lobby, who are strong advocates of this bill, issued a statement earlier today in support of the Martians' efforts, reading: "We feel the government has gone too far in too many instances. It's been troubling to us as a family. This is a religious liberty issue that is concerning to us." Representatives from Conestoga and Hobby Lobby did not return our calls as of press time, and are suspected to have been abducted during this week's most recent intergalactic siege.