the stars hate you!
By Vinnie Fitzpatrick
Keep careening headfirst into insurmountable barriers and eventually something will happen. It will probably be a concussion, but nobody said being an Aries was easy. Charge!
You already know all the arguments: it will hurt. A LOT. You will look silly. All the bulls are doing it, so it’s not really original. But if you think a septum piercing will make your balls look bigger, then by all means go put a big gold ring in your nose.
My God, you’re a chatterbox. It’s almost like you’re two people, two individual people who share the same genetic make up, neither or whom ever stop talking. Weird.
Your sign bums everyone out. Yeah, yeah, you’re a crab. Do you think that’s better? We still have to crack your shell with a hammer, put on a bib, and dig out your feces in order to eat you. No wonder you come with cheap beer.
Have you secretly wondered if Leo was the best sign in the Zodiac? Wonder no longer: Leo is the best. In fact, YOU are the best of the Leos, destined for greatness. Go on, call up all your friends and tell them about this horoscope. They are standing by waiting for your call.
Many people claim to feel like a Virgo, touched for the very first time, but you really ARE a Virgo. Unless you count anal.
You could carefully weigh the evidence for and against, considering every angle carefully, before you make a wise and just decision. Or you could just weigh yourself.
Nietzsche was right—when you look into the abyss, the abyss looks into you. In order to do that effectively, it will need to eviscerate you and eat your internal organs. Stay away from the abyss. Have a saltine instead.
Like every other Sagittarius, you defy categorization and no one can put you in a box.
In order to fulfill your grand ambitions of world domination, you are going to have to leave your apartment and talk to people. Sorry.
Some people say it is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius. Others say it is the Eve of the Apocalypse. Either way, find out who their dealer is.
The waters of life are ever shifting, Pisces, and so is the breakfast burrito you inhaled into your stomach this morning. Either shit or keep rolling around on the carpet moaning. It’s time to make a commitment.