Congress Ignores Celebrity As If He Were
a Regular cITIZEN
by ZBygniew Gurk with warren piece
In a shocking display of overt anti-Americanism, 28 out of 30 members of a U.S Senate subcommittee recently failed to be appropriately enthralled by the expert testimony of a highly paid celebrity on legislative medical issues.
On March 1, actor and screenwriter Seth Rogen gave an “emotional,” “funny and very impassioned” speech about his life and personal experiences to the Senate Appropriations Subcommittee. Rogen later reported that the attendance in the room was abysmally low--far below his usual opening-weekend audiences--and that those who bothered to show up provided him with inadequate attention.
“It seems like these people don’t care,” Rogen stated with alacrity to a rapt Chris Matthews of CNN News.
A source close to one of the senators denied his politician’s culpability in the slight. “Although the Senator is sympathetic to Rogen’s personal story, he is inclined to wait for testimony from medical doctors before making a decision on the bill.” The source declined to say whether the Senator preferred Rogen’s performance in Knocked Up or his recent dramatic turn in The Green Hornet.
Although the legislators seemed disinterested in hearing the popular actor’s expertise on neurological health issues, daring internet news outlets eschewed their usual clickbait pandering to pick up this hard-hitting news item. The Huffington Post, Gawker, and unpaid journalists at other corporate-financed news outlets found the shocking tale of politicians’ dismissal of an expert celebrity to be breaking headline news. “We were going to run a quiz on ‘What kind of donut are you?' or a headless photo of a possibly not-beach-ready singer, but when we heard that the leaders of the American government didn’t appropriately pander to a likeable star of several stoner comedies, we knew we needed to put on our serious journalism hats,” said one anonymous editor. “I mean, I guess we have the rest of the week to make sure people are insecure, obedient consumers.”
The story was also shared widely on social media by outraged citizens. “Congress isn't paying attention to what a star says?” wrote local John Patrick on Facebook. “These politicians have definately crossed teh line now!” The post ended with an outraged emoticon, and a link to an online petition calling for the disbanding of Congress.
Twitter exploded with similar sentiments. @karrdashionlvr used 138 characters to powerfully tweet to the nation: “Senators r supposed to represent us&honor US traditions. These r trying to destroy American values &way of life. WTF #celebsrus #rogen4prez.” This tweet was retweeted 10,756,048 times, and it was favorited by Seth Rogen. Turn to page 5 for more up-to-the-minute coverage of Seth Rogen's Twitter involvements, his spring fashion picks, and his plans for returning to the big screen.